Masculinsanity: Fathers of the Human Race

Next time you find yourself standing around a socialite party or political fundraiser with your friends, balancing the martini glass daintily on three fingertips, slyly winking as you tongue the pimento out of the olive suggestively, discussing how everyone knows marriage is the true solution to income inequality and laughing at the very idea that foreign heads-of-state might respect “Grandma-in-Chief” Hillary Clinton, here is a delightfully outrageous conversation starter posed as a math problem:

The magic number is fifty-five thousand dollars. This is the average cost of annual tuition to an ivy league school. First, multiply that by four, the estimated time it takes to complete a degree, and you get $220,000, which approaches what it costs to raise that child for 18 years ($241,080). We don’t know if the kid needed braces or not, so for shits and giggles, round up to $250,000.

Tell the man standing next to you staring at your olives to count up all the times he’s ejaculated in his lifetime, beginning in adolescence. Each time he woke up with messy sheets counts as one ejaculation. So, if the guy next to you looks to be in his early 30’s, let’s say he’s gotten lucky in one form or another every day, excluding weekends and holidays for 260 days out of each year over the past 20 years, so the figure is 260 times 20, or 5,200.

Now, have him multiply that number by $250,000.

He still thinks you’re talking about sex. Keep playing with that pimento until he gives you the answer. It’s $1,300,000,000. Smile indulgently at him when he gets it right. Now tell him:

“Congratulations! You owe one billion, three hundred million dollars in child support.”

He’s going to turn red. Maybe even purple. Wow. He didn’t know sex could be that expensive.

Next, he’ll argue that he hasn’t actually had that many children. But if the two of you are attending a $2,500-a-plate cocktail party, or you happen to be standing near Mitt Romney after he’s just lost a $10,000-bet, your man friend may be willing to indulge your brazenness in an effort to measure up.

Tell him that all men clearly were not created equal in the wages department, but talking about the differences doesn’t help. He’s an educated man (let me guess, Harvard? Yale?) and he knows that for every scientist who believes in global warming (including Al Gore), there are twelve others happy to argue that climate change doesn’t exist because Jesus is coming back, releasing even more deadly carbon gases in a lovely ballroom just like the one you’re in right now with all your socialite acquaintances.

We need to line up all the men, make them hold hands and chip in until every man’s billion-three debt to society has been paid and all the orphaned children have been fed and clothed.

If your cocktail buddy really thinks about it, he’ll get down on his knees and kiss the ground in front of your feet that it takes you nine months to build a fetus. Already, your body was designed to save this guy money. Praise God! Next, if he personally knows the congressman standing a few feet away from you, he’ll suggest a vasectomy bill for adolescent boys. Vasectomy is a clean, safe, inexpensive and reversible technique that eliminates unwanted pregnancy before marriage and can thereby reduce the crime rate, preventing a great deal of human suffering.

As your cocktail buddy’s great new idea takes hold throughout the nation, family planning clinics will become temples. Mitt Romney himself may even put some spires with gilded statues of guys playing trumpets on them and start distributing framed images of them for immigrants to hang in their homes. Prophets and Popes will declare the earth subdued as God intended in the Bible, and we can begin caring for the people we have, placing higher esteem on generations to come.

It is said that “women hold up half the sky.” Dudes, we’ve been trying to hold this entire Creation together by ourselves for centuries. Now it’s your turn.

Letter to the Commanding Officer of a Deadbeat Dad

I am writing to thank you for your recent transfer of CW NAME WITHHELD to Washington State so that child support can be assessed. I appreciate the U.S. Army’s commitment to serving American families.

There remain two factors that continue to impede collection of child support from the soldier father and these are that 1) he is able to make changes to his legal state of residence regardless of where he is stationed for the sake of avoiding prosecution and 2) that he earns too much money. These factors impede child support collection attempts in two ways that I will explain below.

I first sued CW NAME WITHHELD for child support in Texas in 2009 but my attorney forced me to nonsuit the case 14 months later after giving CW NAME WITHHELD time to change his state of residence on his LES form and claiming all prior forms were shredded and the military was not obliged to provide information as to his state of residence. I can make court documents available to you proving this is what he did. He is now paying his Utah lawyer an undisclosed sum of money to influence judges in Utah to hold hearings denying me due process and refusing to withdraw my petition for child support in Utah for it to be handled in Washington. Again, there is confusion as to where CW NAME WITHHELD lives: is it Washington State or is it Utah? Only his commanding officer in the U.S. Army knows for sure, and we need answers.

While it is obviously up to the soldier’s own discretion how he spends his salary and bonuses and it is also his choice whom he hates, a soldier cannot be trusted to faithfully serve his country when he deprives his own family basic financial support and shows contempt to the mother of his children, as CW NAME WITHHELD has done for five and a half years and continues to do.